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  • Writer's pictureArthur Ball

Giant Squid Attack

Giant squids (Architeuthis) ▲ Have no bones, but do have a hard beak they use to eat propellers.

Deep beneath the Bering Sea during the summer of 1969 an epic battle between machine and mollusk ensued. A Soviet Nuclear Attack Sub was itself, attacked by a massive squid and was nearly dragged into the depths. There have been decades of silence and countless attempts to cover up the incident. Through diligent investigation and great risk to himself, Arthur Ball, The Above Average Artist was able to make up this story for no good reason.


The only living survivor of the ordeal is Russian Admiral Vladimir Klitsencova. At the time, he had just joined the navy with dreams of destroying American capitalism, but he never expected what was about to come.

Vladimir : “We were on mission to follow and observe evil American submarines who threaten great motherland with arsenal of nuclear weapons.”

Vlad was at his station on the bridge when the captain was alerted to a large blip on the radar that was set on a collision course with the Russian sub. “It was a very big blip and I was very scared. Booming crash noises rippled through corridors and compartments of ship. I thought I was kaput!” The crotchety old Russian exclaimed. “Our wise captain immediately ordered an emergency ascent. The crew was thrashed about as ship reached the surface. I was ordered along with three of my comrades to outer deck to see what had attacked us. I was the last one out of hatch and was able to see two of my fellow crewmen pulled beneath the sea by giant tentacles. I was issued a firearm prior to exiting the sub. I frantically fired into the water, but the beast was gone. “The ship had suffered severe damage and one propeller was torn off. Captain ordered us to make port nearby. When I gave my testimony of the incident I was called mad and was re-assigned to a radio post in Siberia. I did very well there and rose very quickly through the ranks. I also met my wife Olga who is beast in her own right, but where was I?" “Yes, I later discovered that the event was covered up by the Kremlin and that my captain was institutionalized for trying to go public with it. Now that I am admiral and Cold War is kaput, I feel safe in telling my story.” Honesty and an affinity for cold desolate places have served Admiral Klitsencova well, but what of the giant squid? Does it still lurk under the waves of the North Pacific? No, this story is made up. Giant squids are real. Specimens have been caught nearing fifty feet in length. In time, maybe a story like this will come true.

P.A.N.D.A.³ is a proud sponsor of this post. "Say NO, to pandas."

Unfortunately many marine biologist that could be

studying the giant squid and learning how to protect us from their pointy beaks of death are poorly funded. You know why? PANDAS! Panda research and maintenance sucks in massive amounts of government and private funding. The end result of those studies can only lead to the worst possible outcome, more pandas. Do you fear being pulled down into a watery grave by the slimy and suckery tentacles of an eight armed monster? Wonder why nobody has developed Electrified Giant Squid Netting to protect you and your family during a leisure Saturday afternoon at the beach? If a fraction of panda resources were spent on these pressing concerns we all mite feel safer in the ocean. I know I don't. Next time you see some misguided soul collecting money to save pandas, you politely cross the street, turn around or strait up punch them in the face. Please give your charity to the poor marine biologist eating a french cruller out of a dumpster behind Dunkin Donuts. (@DunkinDonuts) That malnourished marine biologist just may save you from the eight long arms of death. Please leave a comment below if you liked my story, have questions or for some reason want to defend pandas and giant squid. I'm always up for a debate. Why be average? Say NO to pandas.

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