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  • Writer's pictureArthur Ball

A Giant Pan-DUH!

Updated: Jan 5, 2023

What are pandas good for? Absolutely nothing. Some might say they’re good at being cute and cuddly, which in turn translates into the sale of stuffed panda bear dolls, but the Teddy Bear industry would do just fine without them. So I’ll say it again y’all, what are pandas good for?Absolutely…

Pandas are a menace! They plague economies and draw well educated doctors and scientists away from doing more useful things like curing cancer. That’s right! Pandas are why we don’t have a cure for cancer. Although a direct connection hasn’t been made, I speculates that Pandas are also in part responsible for global warming. (It exist, but pandas don’t want you to believe it does.) They aren't even really bears. These overgrown raccoons, do NOTHING. They serve no purpose in the food chain. That meaning they don’t control the population of any flora or fauna by consumption. They are not a stable food source for any other animals. Along with a myriad of other things that they do not do. Pandas are well described as USELESS! Pandas are leased to zoos from their home nation of China for a staggering cost of roughly $1,000,000 a year. Researchers and doctors who study these puffballs exude even more money on breeding and panda porn. (Yes, government funded animal porn.) If they are successful (Usually, they are not), it can cost an added flat rate of $600,000 to China for every cub that is born. On top of that, pandas are terrible mothers and tend to kill their super expensive panda babies. These endangered dirty cotton swabs feed solely on bamboo, a plant that has almost zeronutritional value. To survive, these achromatic beasts must eat 30-40 pounds. of bamboo a day. When not eating, they are usually sleeping, but absolutely never doing anything constructive. Pandas are extremely endangered animals. It is speculated that there are less than 2,500 Giant Panda "Bears" left on earth. My official stance is to get rid of the pandas that are left. These animals are an evolutionary dead ends. Once the initial shock of their cuteness has dissipated, they can be seen for the useless fur balls that they are. Many animals are useful and deserve saving. These bears are not one of them. Next time you see a panda at a zoo (Only four zoos in the USA have them.), walk up and bang on the glass or yell into the enclosure, “Do Something!” When the bear does nothing, you’ll understand and ask yourself this question…


The answer is you should not. Go buy a stuffed panda doll and get on with your life. When they are all gone, the doll may be worth something, but probably not.

This extremely accurate description is derived from the letters that spell panda. It perfectly states the reason why these animals need to be left alone to thier own devices and allowed to go extinct like nature wants. (The last A is multiplied by 3. That may not be mathematically correct.) P.A.N.D.A.³ is my campaign to stop the waist of resources and the endless money pit that is the Giant Panda. (They are not that big.) I don’t seek the destruction, or any violence against these animals. I seek to promote their return to to the wild, so that they can quietly go extinct all on their own. The only thing they are good at. Their very existence endangers the lives of much more valuable animals to global ecosystems. I seek to promote those animals in need while deprecating the animal who is stealing thier funding to do nothing, pandas. Please leave a comment below if you support my cause or if think I’m a horrible person for saying this. (Facts hurt sometimes.) Also ask any questions and I’ll do my best to answer them. Until then, say NO to pandas.

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